The simple will to grow

I visited my previous article, All eyes on me, to check out what’s going on with the blog. I read it some time ago. And, here’s what I think: I’ve lost the touch, it seems. And, I don’t really like the way I have structured the whole article either. When I fail to make out what I’m saying, I feel embarrassed. And, it does seem like I’ve lost the touch of some kind. But, I still know how to write – so I’m not going to claim that I’ve lost the touch of writing. It’s an impossible thing to happen out of the few impossible things to happen in this world.

It’s like swimming. Once you learn how to swim, you are least likely to forget the form next time you’re drowning. This article is my attempt at swimming, somewhere between the lines of deep-diving at nineteen and drowning at twenty-two.

We’ll know what we’ve lost, as a blog. Here’s what we’ll do (I’ll do) to get back on the track:

  1. REMEMBER
  2. REASON
  3. REPEAT

I just came up with three “REs” just like that. Always a fan of such patterns.


First, I’ll try to remember why I started this blog – or the whole journey of creativity in general. Then, I’ll argue my reasons for doing what I did as a writer (self-acclaimed, phew). And, I’ll probably end up luring myself to repeat the habit of writing.

We know we’ll repeat, so why not do it properly, eh?

REMEMBER

As far as I know, before looking at my first article – Start – on this blog, I can tell that I have always wanted to write down my thoughts. Maybe because my mind never runs out of them. I always have thoughts running around from one corner of my mind to the other. To the middle. Upwards. Sideways. Back and forth. And, that’s how I know I’m like you – an entity with a brain, and that too of a human. So cool, right?

Right, so now that I’ve taken a look at the article and I am close, but not nearly in remembering why I started. Here’s what I can make out after reading (skimming through) it:

  • I wanted to share my journey with the world
  • Showcase my photography and grow at it
  • Get better at writing

I can see why I want to do the last two of these three – they seem (but, are not) physical as reasons to start a blog. But, why would someone want to share their journey with the world when no-one has ever asked for it. I don’t know.

Hopefully, we can answer that in the reasons to come.

REASON

Fuck it, I love writing and that’s enough of a reason for me. Onto the next one.

REPEAT

It’s pretty clear that my previous way of doing things around the blog have worked their potential in building what’s currently the status of this blog. I might have never imagined a number like 8,000 to be the number of hits on this website. It’s a small number, compared to the other big players, but I’m no player at this game you’re referring to. I do this for me and the few readers (thank you) who come visit my blog now and then.

But, it’s not enough. See there’s this simple will to grow in me. And, I am seeking the help of this blog in getting there. I am not looking to be perfect at life. I’m not stupid enough to expect that out of my journey. But, I want to try and be the imperfect-yet-comfortable-with-his-life kind of human. I don’t want to wake up late and regret rest of the day waking up late. Instead, I’ll build the habit to wake up early. I don’t want to regret not cycling and instead make my own ways of cultivating the good habit. You get the idea right?

I just want to attempt at things that are possible for me to do. I don’t want to be the richest person. But, I want to make sure I don’t face any money problems in my life. And, the only way to do that is to get rich. There’s simply no harm in wanting to get rid of the bad tomato in your life, and replace it with a gem.

NOTE: I read this somewhere, probably on Twitter, and it has stuck with me forever: Money doesn’t solve all your problems. It does solve your money problems.


All I know from what I know is that I am not always uncertain. Who is? What happens when we know all the time? Wait, do you – now – know what I am telling?

Enough of the riddle twister.

Back to here. Why do I write? And, why should I write? Don’t mix the two, they can be as different as the poles – but they’re just really the same at the end of a stick. There’s ice and there is me – drowing away.

The simple will to grow. It never fades or shuts down, right? We all, assuming there’s sanity in this world, grow in their life. Whether you like it or not, you have stopped riding a tricycle. And, so, I too want to grow.

So, I’ll repeat the cycle. Tomorrow, I take birth to the change that is. To the future that lies in darkness, or should I say – a blinding bright star?

The simple will to grow.

Book Stranger

Wonder do I hourly
Juggling, kick the scar low
Rock slip fairly
Juggling, kick the scar low

Willy done with the hill
Jeopardy, one won’t be
Reels went on to fill
Jeopardy, one won’t be

Wired to the source out
Jill, jiggled joyful
Running to the fallout
Jill, jiggled joyful

Wonder do I timely
Jogging, to my beats
Ruin hunts for Presley
Juggling, to my deeds

When in ICU: The Music is Different

This one needs Metamorphosis. A great piece by Philip Glass. It is today that I get to know I have never really acknowledged the musician. But, it is only fair not having done that because I put on Glass when writing screenplays. The keyboard is my piano and the words are what my music is. I feel like I am telling the world a secret ritual to my process, but there’s only one rule to my writing – there are no secrets.

Music is not the ritual, but writing itself.

I’ll do whatever it takes to give the message. It’s in my roots also not to care how well I do it. It is only during writing that I am more sure about the good wonders of this planet. Honesty, of all.

Today, the word given as a prompt feels much more than just the basis to start writing. Because, this word is not only an aid. It is what music defines and is defined by. Here’s my score for you today.


Orchestrate


Few minutes before I saw today’s prompt given by WordPress, I was sitting with the family. Doing the regular talk we have managed to bring back in the house, I realise daily – we had it before. It’s always not enough to get the feeling of family. Always wanting for more, I never fail to get it.

I mention to my dad that I felt some sensation in the chest. A pinch-like feeling and the acidic nature. He said it could be the extreme temperatures, which we would later decide to be the right explanation. But, before that – just to be sure about the conclusions we were about to make, I was made to check my heart rate. I took four readings and the first one was 78 bmp, 10 numbers far on the scale from the other three readings. All in the normal range. And still, I show my concern to this kind of fluctuation in that one number. That is when my dad mentioned the screens at hospital showing these rates believing it to be the exposition I had wanted. The normalcy behind it. These screens though, remind me of the day I was at an ICU with Ajji. My granny, who’s also a very close friend.

One night, she fell sick. Literal they speak, all words. Emergency kind of sick.

Funny, even now that I realise the kind of responsibility I chose for myself on that day without realising how brave it was of me. I dialed 108 which is what we are supposed to do in a case of medical emergencies and I ask, acting like I have my shit together, the lady on the other side “Hello! My granny is sick. She fell down. We need an ambulance.” I was so sure about conveying how serious the matter was, and yet she did not understand. She was not the time I wanted to waste. I stress even more. She mentions she’ll send one, and also that they will not be taking her to the hospital I mentioned. I thought going to the nearest hospital, two minutes far from our place, would be the right choice. Only to realise this call meant taking her to the Government’s hospital. I cut the call. And, make another one to the hospital I had in mind instead. It did not connect at all to even ring and be denied of an ambulance. This is India, I reminded myself failing to remind me of the situation I was already in. That has become the excuse to many hurdles I might be facing – blaming the system. I am still not sure if it is any more valid than me being born here.

I love my country nonetheless. But, the following events assured me how wrong I was in loving the collective attitude of it’s people being put up as a show. Which is also what I consider a kind of imperfection our planet seems to thrive on but should not.

I go to the hospital. Ask for the ambulance. There is one standing idle, and this makes me a little calmer in the storm. Reminding me of the storm, the ambulance wouldn’t start. We are rushing all the while. The driver asks me to push it from the back. So, I did. Not realising this is how aid to emergencies shouldn’t work.

He tells me he forgot to switch the vehicle on. I couldn’t react. It’s a dark comedy, on the bigger canvas. He drove like the road was not a race track – but as if someone just told he drives slow.

We rush to the house, ‘put’ her in the vehicle and they take her to the casualty section. Where, she was being tested primarily and the care-takers were gifting time to the doctor. During all of this, my cousin managed to faint while I realise I left my slippers at home. And, my granny is still trying to show the concern.

She was taken as soon as they could to the ICU. I just did not have any other element than Ajji in my mind. Making me take decisions of her kind. She would turn out to be fine, later.

The following part – I did not see. Okay?

There’s one doctor. He’s the chief at the unit a grandmother of someone is being treated. And, four (five?) nurses are surrounding this woman to take care of her. Every person is quick and good at what they do. Acting in symphony. Why? The doctor is handling it in a way I had never seen anyone do a situation so panicky. There was blood of all that could have pointed to it, for a viewer. Giving instructions to a nurse, asking the one beside him to note down, and the one at the extreme left to go bring some tool only he’d understand completely while telling what the others had to do too. This felt like music, now that I see. He being the composer. A music about how caring for lives, practice and courage work together. She was saved.

Music in ICU is different just like any other music you listen to might be.

She was at the unit for a time I could not have imagined myself, during then, to stay at home. I went for a night-out with her, at the hospital. She did very well. She’s fine now as anyone and even better. Here’s me and my grandmother stunning the others near our ward:

If anyone’s wondering “What’s ear to ear?”

We watched, she more curiously, a comedy movie. And, we just did more than fine. This woman has taught me a lot about in-dependency, care and love to keep learning no matter what.

Keep learning, it’s easier than Mathematics.


The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

Audrey Hepburn