Water: My Moving Constant

I’ll take my debts to Ganga.

I feel very connected to everything, and I love that about me. Even you should. It helps me stay unattached, in strange ways. All the while, it somehow works for me.

as seen by shamant

Thinking deeply about something, and the next moment knowing that the thought was for that moment. Let’s always keep it that way. If I attach it to something other than the moment itself, it becomes a nasty problem. The one where I feel like the very good pillars on which that moment stood are now being pissed on by relations, time, and other feelings. It is now an attachment to the feeling I had that moment. If it makes any sense, live now and only for now. I know you have heard many people say “don’t think about the past, or the future too much” and they could not have been more correct about this one suggestion.

Attachment, as written in my mom’s bio on WhatsApp, is the root of suffering.

ah, august! just after my trip to ashwem and beyond

To me, all of what I said above, is somehow related to water. Water, to me, is essential. Oh, such discoveries while I write, makes me laugh. Is water really that essential to you, a metabolic mechanism, Shreyas?

Anyhow, be it any bad feeling, I resort back to taking control of my breath. In, out. And, end up drinking water. It works. This might sound stupid at first. But, discovering more about what water means to me might make us, for the lack of a better word, enlightened.

ashwem

As I look at it, all that is to make sense to me ends up being a pattern of randomness, and thus making sense to me. How do I say it?

I can’t, and it will be my ultimate goal to put out this very non-sensical idea in my films. And, one day a film made by me will make it a notion believable by anyone who sees it. When he or she does, I also hope it comes to them with the only meaning of not having one. Similar to this notion, water, as in rivers – keeps flowing, but there is this sense of unchanging behaviour of the very drops this river carries. It itself is the drop, and the river.

akksye watching waves

It feels very good to be at fear of the river changing it’s flow. This fear is very similar to my other fears in life. And, as I watch the flow still being there, maybe at a different speed, I can still see and sense this wide range of possible ways to get me out of this fear. I can work on my problems, and treat them if they can be treated. If they can’t be treated, we can at least get comfortable with this gyp. It’s there, we know that. And, if there’s nothing we can do about it – we know that we’re wrong. We can definitely do something about it, but just not now.

As Dr. Anand Pandurangi puts it very finely into words:

Sometimes, time is a very good aid for healing”

These complications make it hard for one to put all notions under one roof. One certain meaning, a uniform understanding about all of this may not be achieved. Again, this gyp is so much of a discomfort than a cheat on your instincts.

We’ll let this wave hit us, and we’ll flow.

the beyond

Arts, and Farts on Doubts

What is your greatest fear?

My greatest fear is the doubt on my freedom in thinking. It all turning out to be wrong. Only if in that universe “wrong” is defined otherwise. What if the work I do, writing or making art was something I was never supposed to do. What if, all that I believe in now, is wrong?

This fear is a little biased. It speaks more about the future than about now. As of now there is nothing to worry about. Even when I say I am uncertain about my art, I am not pointing out to the extreme possibility of it being wrong. For that matter, I feel very confident about art. Be it me, or anyone who creates art, is doing a great job. On top of it, art is not something you can put on the scale of righteousness. 

Point being, the future seems to scare me. I don’t want to be scared. But, living as a free person, and seeing how my generation has many people doing their job(mainly going to college, workplace) with such great dedication, it almost bewilders my instincts on whatever I do. What if they are the ones doing the right thing? I am mostly careless about my career in terms of planning it, because I don’t want to waste my time worrying about my career. I’d rather do what I love, and define that as my career. Because, I am someone who doesn’t like to be judged just as much I hate judging others too. Be it whatever, even if it’s wrong in many’s eyes. I don’t hold the ability to prove that entity wrong already at my first interaction with the notion or the entity

If it feels like I am talking just about anything more than my greatest fear, it is because I live it all my life – this fearless part of it. As I answer to this “writing prompt”, I realise my greatest fear is not the future but this strange feeling of “wanting to explain” anything and everything that happens in my life.

I fear if this strange feeling will ever go.

I want to live like a normal human being who does not explain what he does, or even why he does what he does. I don’t feel the courage or passion I have for art, when I explain my art. Maybe it is a habit from childhood, wanting to label everything I do, with words as A is always for Apple and B is always for Bat. It never occured to me that A, is A.

These actions of mine that I talk about or try to explain, are not just the wrong things I do. I talk about my creative work a lot too. So, it comes down to, I think, two possibilities: the wrong and the right things I do, have different kinds of explanations. 

I have decided to, from now on, stop explaining anything I do, unless asked. Because then, I would at least have a reason to explain. Keeping this in mind, I will never stop talking about the art I create. That’s never going to happen.

Plus, I feel slightly doubtful about my art at times and only people’s observation of my art lets me know that I am a bawse. Confirming that there is no need for doubt. I don’t seek for this confirmation, maybe. It feels surreal nonetheless, when someone feels good even a slight bit after coming across my work.

What I have observed in my near surroundings is that many of us have become very uncertain. And, that needs to fade away to a minimum. Because, in a society – doubt is necessary. 

I made this thing I am not able to put into words, as I atleast have never come across anything like it. At first, I took a photo of the stars. Then, my fingers happened to do this to that photograph:

i think i saw you