All eyes on me

In this world, I see there are many options to choose from when it comes to growing. To become a better version of yourself. I always thrive to grow, and I am not successful all the time. Rarely do I succeed. But, it’s good to keep trying. All things good probably don’t come easy.

I have habits that I dare not have. And, some are good while some are bad. To build good ones is the only way I know of to get rid of the bad ones. But, to remove is a bad habit, as mentioned in Atomic Habits, is like removing an Oak tree from its roots. And, adding a good habit to your routine is like nurturing a flower. Bit by bit, we proceed.

I hope one day, these eyes stop seeing at me.

Why should I grow? No, I know why – but how? How do I grow when I am not always sure why? No, I know why. There is no other way to live my life than to its fullest. I want to be aware of what happens during every second of it. I want to be fit while I contemplate – so that it looks like a good shape is thinking. Kind of like a sexy figure from the historical times that makes you believe in what it thinks.

Here is my list, the end point of it all – making lists to grow, it probably won’t work. But, I have to take care of whether it does or not.

  • Meditate
  • Ride my bike
  • Journal
  • Solve problems

This is the system I want to set for myself. These give me values and this gives me pride to think about myself. And, for sure I’ll keep writing.

So long.

Contemplate

I think I think too much. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why we all are born – to think of the reasons why we are born at all. I start my day wondering about what I’ll make of it, and end it thinking what I made of it.

In these thoughts, I end up making nothing of my time. I am not my thoughts.

Don’t you get sick of it? Your voice repeatedly telling what this could be and what that was. How this works? Why does it work? What works and what does not? There is no control to what we think. And, perhaps there never will be in a world so sane. It’s impossible for one to not think. It’s almost as if one would stop breathing.

You breathe, you think.

Breath is all it takes to solve this. You are not your thoughts. You are the breath, you repeat your rhythm. Your thoughts are only but a perspective of a dimension so cleanly not possible by me to describe. I’ve been meditating now and then. It’s hard to not only get rid of the bad habits for me – but also to cultivate good ones.

What is your meditation? Your time writing something. Your dance. Your ride to the mountain peak. Your breath.

2020: In The End

I have never done a thing like rewinding my year to look back on it because I’ve never come across an year like 2020 in all my life. Spoiler alert, it is my best one yet and I don’t hate it.

Yes, you read that right – I had a great time this year unlike the popular opinion, however, I do share some of those opinions as well. Like, I learnt how tough it is for a few douche-bags to not wear a mask. That it takes courage to be alone. That it sucks to be alone. And, so on. Yet, this has been my best year so far because I want to look at it that way. What’s good for me if I completely hate it, right?

“Say No To Hatred!” should replace “No Smoking” in restaurants in the age of polarization.

That’s all I have to say about my hatred towards hatred. Let’s get going with the good of this year. 2020 brought me so many opportunities, stories, lessons and accomplishments that I almost hate why I never looked at life the way I did this year. Maybe it’s my age (turns out I’m growing) or maybe the circumstances (lockdown + free amount of free time) made me pause and contemplate more than I’ve ever done. It’s good to contemplate. It’s always good to contemplate.

For starters, I’ve been healthier than ever – one of the achievements I’d like to bag in this year. I don’t do much to work out, but I try to stay active and eat healthy. But, I still love pizza, rolls and whatever (edible) junk you can put cheese on and have beer with. However, it’s important to stay fit. Good for your mind, good for your breath. I’m waiting to pick up my mountain bike from the store. So, in 2021 you can expect a few thoughts on cycling to slide (or should I say ride) into the blog here and there.

Back to 2020.

This year, I’ve been much more calmer and aware of my surroundings – thanks to my struggles on keeping consistency with the process of meditation. And, I am acing it at life (in general, at least, to my standards) by even just getting up daily to face the day. And, it can get mundane.

It is boredom, that usually wins – but, I’m working on it. I don’t think I have ever faced so much of a bad tongue for everything. I don’t like watching shows or movies anymore like I used to, probably because I have overcooked that bit way too much this year. No thriller excites me anymore. I’d rather watch my old favourites over new ones.

I hope my attitude towards boredom changes. As Tim Urban says, according to his Pixel Theory, that life is a picture while we live in a pixel. Maybe my life is not boring, it’s only repetitive. Including things I love to do, on repeat, is the only way out. The struggle is real.

Speaking of struggles, I have realised how much my struggle to be a better human matters. It matters not just for me but everyone around me. I’ve given myself into the notions of being kind to others because that’s the only way we can be happy together. What’s the point of being happy alone?

If there is any point, I think I know what it means. I’ve found my share of happiness in solitude.

But, it’s much easier to be all alone by yourself – as happy – I have realised. Because, it takes more than just your own feel-good efforts to be happy with the people around you. I have learned that we all struggle in being kind to others because some can be really just not worth it. But, they are always worth it – more than ever. They too are just humans wanting to be kind but often fail at it. It’s nobody’s fault but somebody’s. I’m no psychologist, so I won’t suggest shit about judging others. But, it makes only sense to me to be kind to others in a world filled with assholes.

Not that it matters, but I hope I’ll build the habit to keep others around me happy. I hope you do too. This brings us to the end of my rewind to 2020 and much like the year I don’t think my article is certain or that it matters to be blamed for a terrible time.

Thank you for being my reader and for supporting my efforts. You are kind, see? Not that hard like the way people make a fuss about it. See you in 2021 with much more exciting articles, thoughts on amazing books and just taking it easy.

Tell me how was your year in the comments. And, sign up (below) to get notifications directly to your mail next time I post something. This year I have written over thirty-eight thousand words and it felt like a hundred or so. Okay, maybe it felt like a thousand but it’s crazy what consistency can result in. A 100 day streak and a million more thoughts!

Read about Norwegian Wood here.